Sensory Overload and missing my cats

Sometimes, it is good to just shut everything down. Grok, the noises, the videos, the chats, and just listen to... what? Silence? I usually have several things going at once. Part of the new way to exist, being everything always and all that. Like right now, I-m writing this, at the shelter's dining room, listening to a YT video. Why? Maybe I've grown afraid of the silence. Maybe I can't be in silence any more. 

Everything we do...

Ends in death. I came over to see dad dying. To figure out how to extend my cats' life by creating more wealth to save a property that is also somhow, dying. More importantly, I am dying. Constantly. Death looms over me like some inevitable solution to life. I can't not see it. Anything and everything I do will end in my death. At somehow that is good? \

All this sacrifice, suffering, effort, blood, sweat, and tears... just do die? Why? Why can't we just enjoy the ride, like some macabre movie we watch? Why must we attach ourselves to our ego, to our self as an eternal being? Why is forgetting everything .... tragic? Or perhaps is remembering everything? 

Ramira. Amlita. Perro. Miley. Foragides, all my cats... They live, they die... and in the time between... they are... cats. 

Grok made videos out of my art...

 

Feline Abandonment Syndrome

Whatever can ba said about me, one thing that can't be said is that I don't love my cats. The last few years have been all about cats, and how much I bend over to fulfill every feline need around me, from picking them up from the floor when the tiles are cold, to feeding them endless chicken livers, my cats have been the center of my life, and the fact that I am suddenly very, very far away from them does not please neither them nor me, altough if I am absolutely trutful to myself, I did need a break from their extremely demanding nature. 

Having said all this, the fact that little Amlo is crying for me breaks me. In a sense, I am their "God" - bring their "pollito", clean their boxes, and more importantly, become their pillow when they want to sleep. And suddenly, this God is gone - abandoned them to their own luck - the shock must be terrible. The separation. The abandonment. 

Each one of my cats is unique in their personality and attitude. 

- Amlita is the kind of cat that hates all the other cats. She eats before everybody, and she eats more than everybody, and that is the way she knows I love her most of all. I could write a whole book just abouut her and her odd little quirks.. hells, maybe I will... but the undeiable fact is that right now, that deliciously catty cat is missing me terribly - she is, according to Marucio's report, the one who misses me most. And this feline separation deep into my own abandonment issues as a child. I had to abandon my fur-baby in order to make sure that their future is secured.

Do I really want to build a cat sancturary in Cintamani? I never did before, until the cats began to arrive, and then it seemed like the only logical solution to what to do with all these souls, all these four legged children of mine. I can't bare to think of these cats suffering because of something I did or didn't do. They have become my destiny

 

Atlantis, Inner Earth, Ancient Occult Mysteries - ROBERT SEPEHR

Aless Rouseeau is off to play some music at the tianguis

I need to put water for a bath.  I am alone, and Russeau had a strange dream about me last night which we discussed intensely this morning. Nuff said about that. 

We are in a dream, and it's a dream about love, but we don't know how to wake up to the truth of that love. It curious. Everything is curious. 

 I can't even say it. Makkuro died. She died at the vet's. I couldn't let her die with me. But she died naturally. 

Spirit Science 6 ~ The Flower of Life (Remake)

Makkuro is Schrodinger's Cat between life and death

 

Makkuro's condition has become considerably worse. She hardly drinks water.  As she can not save herself from this disease, I have entered a weird kind of limbo with her. She is literally Schrodinger's Cat out of the box, neither living nor dead, but somewhere in between. What breaks my heart most of all is that she purrs when I lie with her on the bed. She peed herself, and the smell is pretty awful, but I have decided to cover it up with pinoil instead of changing the sheets because she is still neither dead nor alive, and she is not about to leave my bed any time soon. 

I had a series of visions where I ended her life myself to spare her suffering, and they were horrible. I can't bare to do that. I have done it before, with other cats, but not with Makkuro. She trusts me. 

And yet, she does not eat. She hardly drinks water. She is wasting away, with leukemia eating her from the inside out. She is almost all bones now.  I am taking her this morning to the Vet again. Having to dip into my credit card again. But there is nothing to be done. I can't stand to see her suffer. 

Feline Leukemia is terribly infectious, and I'm pretty sure Lucy is also infected. But Lucy seems okay.  Louis, the vet said taht somem cats reactdifferent to the condition. Lucy is just stronger. 

Makuro has blood cancer

Voy a llenar la casa de swastikas. Siempre me gusto pintar swastikas por todos lados, no estoy seguro porque, pero ahora que soy dueno de una casa, voy a asegurarme que pinte swastikas por todos lados. 

Makuro has lucemia,  a kind of feline blood cancer. She has been weak and whiny for a while now, and I thought I'd lost her when she went out and didnt' come back for a day or two, but she did return, and she was so skinny and fucked up I had to take her to the vet and give her some suero.

She is still not too good. Last night she fell from the top of the stairs, but it wasn't terrible. But the undeinable fact is that she is sick, and not going to get better. 

I have money problems.  I spent 5k on the ayahuasca (that never arrived and have to go get now) and 2k on a ticket for Ras that she didn't use. dSo I'm 7k n debt. Again. But I feel okay with that, I feel that life is giving me some challenges to get myself stronger.

I have been having some serious spidey-sense about doom and gloom, but I can't identify the source. Makuro's condition has made me very vunerable.