I was going to start the day by writing on one of the many short stories that I've begun but have not finished. I have an aversion to leaving stories half-finished, Almost out of sugar and certainly out of coffee, the last day of the month before my fortunate SS kicks in, I feel oddly bored. Mi cat Eli meows at me and the three little fish who live in a mossy water bottle look at me looking at them.

This is my life. This is me, being me. Supposedly taking care of mom, Nanda and "trying" to recover from mom's sell of the house. I was not expecting this. A diviner who didn't' divine his own future. 

From "what I wanted" to what I got, maybe the Stones are right and "You can't always get what you want". but most certainly, "you get what you need."

What do I need? At the core of my being, there is a wounded little child who wants justice for all his pain. Met his sorry ass a few times, and I know it's all about being loved and loving. Eros vs. Thanatos. The soul of mankind in the love we feel for others. And at the center of that little child's wounds is mom, and mom is here with me and that makes it even more intense. So I surround myself with objects of love: fish, cat, nephew, mother... Does it feed the need?

Sex.

Sex is also at the center of most of what I do and think. I write constantly about it, I bring it out in many conversations. Hell, I even talk about it on the radio. Zoophilia no less.  Incest and pedophilia are always near and dear to my heart. it's how I roll. And yet, my family, who know all this don't much mention the subject. A stranger in a strange land.

I take refuge inside my dreamworlds. Lucid dreaming is strong, and I have really nice dreams, some of them very specific. I should begin writing them down again.  The boy has to go get his date for the next school exam. He is a week late. My bad. I should have beaten him. Mom's ok, but we are out of weed and tomorrow we have to do banking AND go to the shrink, so it's gonna be a full week again. My calendar looks like Hilary Clinton's.

I think I have faced most of my most serious delusions. The whole "President of Mexico and USA" thing. The whole anti-christ thing. The whole Big-brother thing. Reality is equally challenging and somehow far less predictable. The phrase re-build after having lost everything sounds far better than conquer the world. More challenging. More real. I can take refuge in Baldur's Gate.

Conquer myself. That's the job.

So, writers write. What do I see?
Mother in the hammock, not wanting me to write.
Three fish in cloudy water. An uprooted pot plant waiting to go into the fish-tank.
Boy didn't know his stuff for school. I got to practice some new songs.
Lots of stuff to buy, but no real money to buy anything.
A witches festival on the weekend and Adrenalina on Friday.

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So much shit happening that I had to stop for an hour or so. Client. Renata calls. Etc.
Oh, yeah and pastas for luch.

So I am feeling a little better. Mom's health goes up and down, but we've found some clues as to what is causing her swings: there are emotional, cognitive and physical reasons. The physical is the use of cannabis and Haldol, which is kind of experimental but approved by the doctors at Fray Bernardino. In fact, I suspect mom has everything kind of clear somehow in one of her many personalities because although she claims to "forget" many things, her memory is surprisingly good. Her physical deterioration and the fact that she DOES lose complete control of her speech and cognitive functions makes it clear to me that we have to deal with very real medical issues. 

The lawsuit... Well, let's see how it works out. For the moment my sister is not paying rent, and that's about all the help I can offer, but I have a witches festival this weekend and I might make enough money to pay the taxes on the property, which is now important. 

So what's the plan?

1. Continue with my writing, music and tarot.

2. Fix the lawsuit for the hosue.

3. Get mom her medical situation clear.

4. Get mom her papers to come to the USA with me.

and the cherry on the pie: AYAHUASCA!!!!

Grandmother aya has given me this pause: "Rest, warrior..." to get my life in order and get back to work with her. That's the point. All the roads lead to Peru. But the way is long and the tasks in -between many. 

Inbetween. Once I have clarity of the path, the path opens. It is exactly this clarity that I was lacking from the moment I got on a planet to come back to Mexico from Oregon. The entire Kathleen episode was a learning curve to see myself working as a real ayahauasca shaman. The toad ceremony was the starting line, the call to battle in the spiritual realm. Forgetting everything was the first thing with the toad, including my own name and the name of Jesus Christ. Second was the Holy Spirit, getting me out of the non-attachment hell. Coming down to frienship and brother-hood. 

No bad trips, remember? 

Aya had even more profound messages: The Virgin Mary. THE VIRGIN MARY IN BLUE!