I was going to start the day by writing on one of the many short stories that I've begun but have not finished. I have an aversion to leaving stories half-finished, Almost out of sugar and certainly out of coffee, the last day of the month before my fortunate SS kicks in, I feel oddly bored. Mi cat Eli meows at me and the three little fish who live in a mossy water bottle look at me looking at them.

This is my life. This is me, being me. Supposedly taking care of mom, Nanda and "trying" to recover from mom's sell of the house. I was not expecting this. A diviner who didn't' divine his own future. 

From "what I wanted" to what I got, maybe the Stones are right and "You can't always get what you want". but most certainly, "you get what you need."

What do I need? At the core of my being, there is a wounded little child who wants justice for all his pain. Met his sorry ass a few times, and I know it's all about being loved and loving. Eros vs. Thanatos. The soul of mankind in the love we feel for others. And at the center of that little child's wounds is mom, and mom is here with me and that makes it even more intense. So I surround myself with objects of love: fish, cat, nephew, mother... Does it feed the need?

Sex.

Sex is also at the center of most of what I do and think. I write constantly about it, I bring it out in many conversations. Hell, I even talk about it on the radio. Zoophilia no less.  Incest and pedophilia are always near and dear to my heart. it's how I roll. And yet, my family, who know all this don't much mention the subject. A stranger in a strange land.

I take refuge inside my dreamworlds. Lucid dreaming is strong, and I have really nice dreams, some of them very specific. I should begin writing them down again.  The boy has to go get his date for the next school exam. He is a week late. My bad. I should have beaten him. Mom's ok, but we are out of weed and tomorrow we have to do banking AND go to the shrink, so it's gonna be a full week again. My calendar looks like Hilary Clinton's.

I think I have faced most of my most serious delusions. The whole "President of Mexico and USA" thing. The whole anti-christ thing. The whole Big-brother thing. Reality is equally challenging and somehow far less predictable. The phrase re-build after having lost everything sounds far better than conquer the world. More challenging. More real. I can take refuge in Baldur's Gate.

Conquer myself. That's the job.