Weird winds

So I wake up this morning to weird winds, they have been going on since last night. I tried to clean my room, and I only managed to move my matress to a different spot, slept uncomfortable, and now, I moved it back to where it was. 

I have that strange feeling of oddness. Like my life is this crash-course on nothing of great importance, and then death looms over all of us like some giganci shadow out of which everything sprouts, a bit of light before the darkness?

I spent a ton of money on xmas for these kids... these young men and women. Ras and Nan. I worry that they have no way to get themselves useful, always wanting to spend what they don't have. I guess its not really up to me. I can only do so much and then they have to do for themselves. I spent a number of decades fumbling about life not knowing what to do, form shit-job to shit-job. They will have to do the same unless ... the zombie apocalypse does away with western society.

My cat is in heat, and going through all the motions which are now so familiar to all of us. I scratch her butt regularly to keep her sane, but she is just a cat, her sanity is dubious at best. I wanna go mirror shopping today. Migh go to Gelatao and get it there, in the mirror. They had me working full shifts all christmas and new year and I need a break. Something new. 

Never did get paid for Loremaster II, and I owe 5,000 pesos to the dentist still, also today I wanna pay the rent. Dad sent 250 bucks which is like 4500 pesos, and that will get me the rent paid, but not much more. Xmas was brutal ecoomically. But we will make it. I started the work on my two teeth, and i will find a way to finish paying it. Might pay the rent first, then go and deposit the dentist some cash. 2000 or so. That would make it a little less than half of what I owe for my dental surgery. Gotta finish this job.

Funny. If only I could get ONE good writing job... 

 

14 Mintues.

That's how long I have to meditate on my condition before I start taking calls again. I was going to make Ayahuasca retreats. Using my SS to pay my rent, build a business with aya and Josue. Then, my SS was cut off, mom was dying and I had to take a job, any job. I did what I always did in those situations: a phone room. Get back to the boiler room, make some cash, pay the rent, feed mom and the kids. But the Aya dreams got shot down, and then mom died, and it was like: abandon hope all ye who enter this timeline. Now I am blogging (my cell phone is kaput, no internet so I can't do videos, 'cept in my laptop and that's kinda harder). But I gotta  work. Gotta pay the rent. Two cats. Two kids. It's life. 

Perhaps it's going to the Amazon, learning about the aya firsthand. Perhaps it's meeting Octavio Rettig. Certainly, DMT is in my future, but how? Get my shit in order first? The lawsuit? Get my SS back? I need to be in the USA for that. For now, rent cars. Ridiculous. The thing I hate most: cars. And yet, I live off them now. There is a lesson there. 

5 mintues. It took me 10 minutes to write all this. Put my thoughts down on paper. I used to have lots of time to do that with my SS. Now, no SS. Only... "Thank you for calling Budget, my name is Robin, I'll be your rental assistant."

Weeeeird.

 

1 Hour and 15 mintues

I am so used to having my own time, that now I look with dread at the clock, thinking that in one hour and 15 minutes I must once again be answering calls for budget. Working man's blues. I have: garlic to plant, cat-shit to clean, painting to do in the kitchen, I need to go pick up some christmas wrapping for the presents this week. It's obscene, and yet, it is the fate of hundreds of millions everywhere. 

Slavery.

Slavery is a human concept. As old as humanity itself, the wise and ruthless enslave the meek. We do it to animals too, chickens, pigs, cows. We are a wicked race. 

But everything is ok. Slowly, our economy becomes stable and we are able, somehow, to survive in a comfrotable and decent manner. We eat well. We have water, light and lots of gadgets. My little family: Rasa, Nanda and I. That's all. Syami is with her mom and Renata is making her own life without my help. The world is as it should be. 

So, now I am thinking about "hope". Specifically, my concept to create a healing toad space. A "future". A  plan. How do I want to live the rest of my life?

Little by little, my life will stabilize. Buying this department where mom died, for instance, is a good plan. Might not happen, but it's a good plan. Creating a terrarium for some toads, now that is brilliant. Writing the next great hit, epic. Short term stuff: try out the LSA seeds. Cook up some DMT. Cooking DMT has been my plan for so long now, that it's a weird kind of dream. And the fact that it failed (or succeeded depending how you see it) with my friend R, well, it's just weird. I am certainly thinking more in terms of keeping a toad or two and milking them. Stronger medicine, more complete commitment.We will see. 

 

Holiday Blues?

I like facing a blank page. The emptiness of a blank page begs to be filled with something useful, something nice. Great empires began on a blank page, like the US Constitution, the Carta Magna and the Lord of the Rings. So, when I feel weird, or stressed, I turn to a blank page and try to fill it with something useful, like the map above, which is, possibly, a map of my consciousness. 

A large part of my tooth fell out yesterday, and I have this jagged edge which is uncomfortable to the extreme. I was planning since a few days going to the dentist to fix it because I don't have to start until 1300 today, so it seems like a good idea. But I don't have the "strength" to do it. Not only the money, which is quite slow because of the downturn in car-rentals for the holiday season, but also the idea of sitting on a chair being tortured for a few hours, no matter how important it is to my bucal hygene. 

The last few weeks of November and the first few weeks of December I have been feeling the blues. It's this general unease of not feeling that I have a viable life-project, my ayahuasca dreams have seriously been put on hold, and it's not about the pandemic, it's about me. Something changed drastically when mom died. 

Duh.

But I am still trying to figure out what that change means. Fear. I think fear entered my heart for the first time. Fear of what? Death? Fear of not mattering? Fear of not being able to help my loved ones? I must admit my greatest fear is for Nanda, Rasa and my two cats. I could gladly go off into the woods to die, but then what of them? 

I have a chipped tooth since March of last year and I think I will be able to get these kids on a good path towards self-fulfillment? All of last year was spent helping mother die. HELPING MOTHER DIE. It's that a kind of murder? Never did we think she would recover. I told her over and over she was dying. It's like I killed her somehow. 

Leaving for Oregon, letting mom and sis on their own, that was the last nail on the coffin, and I placed it there because I didn't know what else to do. My plans to go into an ayahuasca farm-mode needed the approval and harmony of my mother and sister, and I was foolish to think I could get that. And yet, I was always the one everybody counted upon to get things done. TO buy food. Pay for the gas and the light. Pay the water-bill. 

It was all an illusion. All of it. 

So, what is the truth?

I got two flakey teens who want to leave me as soon as possible but don't have a way to do it yet. I got two cats who depend 100% on me keeping my shit together. I got an apartment that I keep by the skin of my teeth, working 6 days a week just to pay the rent. I have lost faith in my numerous projects. All my books are shit and don't sell. My YouTube channel is not going anywhere. Not being in Valle demolished my tarot business. And having ayahuasca retreats seems a far-away dream. Even my little stint as a DMT dealer went south.  I feel impotent. Worse yet, the folks who really depend on me to keep my shit together, Nanda and Rasa (and the 2 cats) don't really think I am all there. And mostly, they are right. I can't seem to motivate Nanda to get out of his room, and Ras.. She is a dreamer. An optimist. The most dangerous kind.

She is also my best hope. Her motivation, energy and sheer manic energy make me think she's be ok. She's going to school. She's working. She's trying everything... She is, more than anyone, like me. A younger, more energetic me. Full of dreams. Heart of fucking gold. Full of herself. She knows she is the alpha male of this household. Mostly, I drive her crazy. She can't stand me, and I don't blame her. She is literaly like the polar opposite. And exactly like me. Gods,  I love the little shit. 

I am so fucking worried for them. Both of them need to get good paying jobs and be independent. I need to figure out how to send Rasa to Europe. She needs to see something more than Valle, Iztapalapa and Bogota. Nanda is a wise old soul. He will have fun no matter what. 

And then there is the cats. Having two cats is like having a huge root-system, being firmly planeted in a single place, making sure that their feline-nesses have cat food and clean litter. All escape plans must be discarded. The fort must be defended at all costs. The cat litter must be cleaned daily.  It is amazing how stessful it is to worry about two cats. When them around, I just can't leave my job and go live in a cave. They would not have it. The kids would survive. But the cats?

Mawi 3D brought me back from a psilocibin OD because he was hungry and he licked my face until I fed him. Lucifer and Dementia are the same. They are keeping me away from the Hermit's cave because they need someone to clean their cat-litter, and in order to clean their cat-litter, I must keep working for Budget Rent-A-Car.  As absurd as that sounds, that is the actual truth. 

My soul, my life belong to two cats and two kids. And the younger of the cats is named Lucifer.

I can honestly say, with no limitations that my soul belongs to Lucifer. And Demencia. 

 

Images November