There has to be a balance...

Between mental health and spiritual awakening.
Lets just assume that I am totally dead.
And this life, this existence is nothing more and nothing less than...
The labyrinth of the beast.
A place that drives me from one desire to another without end.
The belief that I am somehow 'causing' all this chaos.
Although, I have admitted to being chaotic good...
This fratricidal war between Islam, Democracy, Christianity...
Mexico, the USA, China, Russia..
How could little old me be responsible for all that?

I can play a part in it.
That's all.
And my part has been, up to now, trying to figure out the truth.
Sure, I got the whole weed-warewolf act down to a system.
But even in my most deluded hassashin states,
I am a creature that hates and abhors violence.
Causing the death of other human beings is just not my ...

Pleasure.

Jail had the unfortunate effect of doing away with my heroic fantasies of..
Miraculous non-engagement.
Folks just want to kill you sometimes.
It's weird.

Have my words murdered folks?
Not intentionally. Certainly not intentionally.
Like Mario Puzzo and Superman.
How many folks jumped off a window because they believed they can fly?

Have my words saved anybody?

I do hope so!
Otherwise, what a waste of time!

I spanked the monkey tonight. A far cry from a 'celibate' fast, but...
I am a little restless and spanking the monkey relaxes the shit outta me.
Is it a sin? A crime?
A missed opportunity to raise my kundalini further up my spine?

Probably in some universes it is.
I am also sucking on a coffee candy.
Keeps me ... content.
And since the fast was more or less petitioned by Sheik Omar,
Wellll.....

I don't cheat myself to the best of my knowledge.
I do my best not to cheat and lie to others too.
It's complicated, right?

Balance.
Mental Health.
Middle Way.

Kinda hard when you get the visions I get.
The whole 'the Sun is watching me' business...
It's not a joke.
It's pretty damn ... awesome.
But what am I supposed to do with it?

I don't feel like a damned prophet or saint or any of the above.
I feel quite the contrary, like a man who has risked way too much...
In spiritual affairs.

I mean.. I have consciously allowed spirits to posses me, for Christ's sake!

Will I keep doing it?
Yeah, well, it's kinda my dharma, no?

Take the Tarot.
Can I ever stop reading the Tarot?
Nooooooo...
Why?
Because it is a sacred duty if somebody asks me a question to help them the best I can.

Ayahuasca, Peyote..

WEED!

That's my real job!
How do you explain that to a priest?

Ancestor worship. Well, I certainly wouldn't 'worship' aunty Berta..
But I did eat some of the ashes of my grandma.
And I do see them sometimes... These 'shadows'.
Especially when I'm stoned.

There is also the obvious fact that Biblical prophecy is coming to pass.
Add it to the Koran and it's some ... scary shit.
For a Troll-Shaman like myself.

And yet, much as I try, the only really 'dark' spell I ever made was...

Katia.

And I did it because I wanted her love more than anything.

Misfire!

You can't FORCE love. It has to be a natural thing. I has to be 'God-given'.
Besides, she always loved me anyhow..
Why was I tripping about it?

More importantly... How can I make amends?